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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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Kiss Me, I'm Contagious by From First to Last |
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Friday was gonna be a pretty good day. I wasn't mad at my friend Jason anymore, I was talking to my friend Matt again, and some of my friends were all gonna chill out at my house. This dude Tony that I've been talking to [there's more to it than that, but I don't feel like explaining] was gonna come over too. I guess things were a little too good to be true.
On the bus ride home I got really sad. All of a sudden I felt like the most stupid person in the world. I don't want to go into detail about why though. So, when we got off the bus my best friend started shaking me and asking what was wrong. Without thinking I just yelled "STOP IT!". I didn't mean to. I didn't know what to do, so I walked way infront of everyone. I unhooked a safety pin from my purse and started scratching my arm, but it wasn't helping any. When I got home my mom asked where everyone else was, so I said I had to pee and they were walking slow.
I ran upstairs, and locked myself in the bathroom for about 5 minutes. I tried to calm down. I looked at the marks from the scratches, and they weren't too bad. I couldn't calm down though. I was trying not to cut, but I gave in. I've never done it that hard on my arm before. I made an X, and then another little line. I felt the skin ripping and I could hear it... urgh! I felt even more stupid then.
Chrissy and Irish [my best friend] had come upstairs when I came out. Chrissy looked scared, and Irish was crying. I was putting something away in my drawer. I slammed it shut, and just collapsed on the ground and started crying hysterically. Irish saw the cuts, and was like "Why'd you do it? I'm here. You didn't have to do it." See, she cuts too. We have this agreement that we both want to stop, and if we feel the need to do it, then we'll just call the other person, or talk to them. I just couldn't for some reason. I felt so stupid!
I had to wear a hoodie the rest of the night. My arm was burning pretty bad. Before I went to bed I looked at my arm. I felt so angry with myself. They're not gonna be easy to hide. :-/
( See for yourself... )
Oh, and something that really bugs me. I hate how some people have this stereotype of what they think someone who cuts would look like. They picture you wearing black all the time, that kind of thing. Well, that's not how it goes. I posted a picture of me, just to show anyone who believes that that it's not true.
( Here... )
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worried and sad